I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
