if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
