You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
