I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
