look no pants
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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