I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
