dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
