I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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