I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
