my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
