i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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