I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
home. puking in laundry basket.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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