Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
