just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
bring money and cleavage
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
