I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
