I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
