i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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