TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So squirting runs in the family.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
