i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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