Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
