My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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