BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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