I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
