She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
