well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
