i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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