My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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