You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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