Only a mothe r could love this liver
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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