Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
