im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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