Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
