Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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