All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
