I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
