i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
