Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
