Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
