There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
