After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
