What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
