i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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