Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
sex in a hospital.. check
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
