If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
