and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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