I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
