So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
