is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
