Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
