3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
