just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
